What defines love? According to definelove.com, “Love is a force that all people have the ability to recognize regardless of religion, culture or personal experience. Although we don’t fully understand it, it is a part of everyone’s being. ” A healthy relationship consists of trust, understanding and most important respect towards one another. Sad to say many relationships turn sour and sometimes even ugly. Domestic Violence Awareness Month is October. I’ve been very passionate about this issue due to experiencing first hand what domestic violence is.
Domestic Violence is not just physical but verbal, mental and even sexual . Many women don’t realize they are in an abusive relationship until someone points it out. According to the Nassau County Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Anyone could be a victim of domestic violence. It doesn’t matter if you are 14 or 40 white or black, rich or poor, gay or straight. But one thing tends to be true, if you are a female your chances of being a victim are much greater than if you are male.” They also state, “In unhealthy relationships, the physical or emotional abuse may not happen all the time. Abuse may happen in a pattern that can be hard to recognize. Even if your partner has been violent only a few times, or has threatened violence, it is still abuse. Over time, the violence usually gets worse. It sometimes hard to leave a violent relationship because of feelings of guilt, denial, love or hope that things will get better.”
If one concerned friend hadn’t spoken to me about the early signs of abuse in my past relationship, I wouldn’t be here. She saved my life.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2008, “one in four woman report experiencing violence in an intimate relationship at some point in their life.” A lot of young women are scared and blinded about the situation they are in. This is why it’s so important for everyone to know about domestic violence and inform not just girls but boys early on so they are aware of this issue. Just one person spreading the word of domestic violence can truly make a positive difference in an individual’s life.
A close friend of mine had a similar situation to mine . She had the same early signs that I didn’t see. Our ex boyfriends used to call us every 10 minutes and texted every minute of the day to see where we were, who were with, and what we’re doing. In our eyes they “cared.”
Then, my boyfriend told me to dress a certain way and where we could go and not go. It became very repetitive and soon it became an everyday thing. After seven months of dating, one Christmas night he asked me to marry him. I was just 18-years-old and confused and felt like it was the real deal. But I felt alone and felt like I had no say in anything. The emotion and memory of this was a big blur, the relationship drained me and made me feel like a small chipmunk. Of course, after a concerned friend pointed out what was going on, I didn’t listen to her because I was in denial. So I stayed with him, but then it became physical. The first time he laid hands on me was when we got into a stupid argument over something. I said that he felt threatened so he pushed me against a wall and started cursing at me and slapped me on the face. Another time I drove 45 minutes to his house to drop him off and then we got into a big fight. He followed me all the way back to my house. On the way there, we were on the Long Island Expressway and the whole time he was following me he was honking and tailgating me to pull over, almost crashing into me. I was terrified and kept driving, calling everyone that I knew until someone picked up. My uncle finally did and he told me to go straight home and said that he would take care of it. My ex was still following me, but I ran into my house before he could come in. My dad went outside and they got into a big fight.
After that, I didn’t see him for four days. However he kept sending me bouquets of flowers, my favorite treats — cookies/cakes– a cell phone, clothes, bags, you name it, everything to say, “I am sorry.” It took a lot out of me not talk to him and accept the gifts but that summer was a wakeup call. We finally broke up. The relationship made me into a stronger, more confident person, and I want to help others that went through this and let them know that they are not alone.
A college student from CW Post, told me when she was in high school she had a friend who was a junior and was in a one year relationship with a boy who was a senior. The relationship was all fine and dandy until the insults of her boyfriend who began calling her “fat” and “worthless.” Then he started to become very angry, forcefully grabbing her and shoving her against walls. Her abuser bought her gifts to apologize for what he did. One day they both had a discussion about something and the way she was talking he didn’t like. He broke her nose. She suffered bruised eyes and two fractured ribs. The boy got sentenced to 3-5 years in prison and her friend is now in a two year healthy relationship with her new boyfriend.
Another incident that I know about happened to a girl named Amy. She was just 14-years-old and dating a 16-year-old boy. This boy had a lot of mental problems and spent time in South Oaks, a comprehensive mental health service hospital. They dated for about nine months. In the beginning it was beautiful until he started to tell her what to wear, where she could go and called her and her friends and family to find out what she was doing and where she was going next. He also stalked her on Facebook and soon sexually forced her to do things she was not ready for. He wanted a kid so he forced her to stop taking her birth control pills, and she kept that hidden from her family.
She soon had an ectopic pregnancy and needed emergency surgery. After the surgery, he threatened to leave her because she couldn’t give him a baby. However, they ended up staying together. She started to suffer from depression and was prescribed pills to cope with her loss and what she was going through. One day, the boy told her to take more than was prescribed because that’s what he did to take his pain away. So she did and passed out, ending up in the hospital, in a 48 hour suicide watch.
The Nassau County Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCCADV), located at The Safe place in Bethpage, New York, “offers comprehensive services to victims of domestic violence and rape/sexual assault.” The Coalition is recognized as the hub of an extensive resource and referral network, a primary agency assisting victims, and the place for acquiring information and training. The NCCADV has a crisis center, and a 24-7 hour hot line for rape and domestic violence services. Anyone can call confidently, and talk about their situation. If you are a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault the NCCADV can help you. Their 24-hour help line is 516-542-0404. You can also visit their website: www.cadvnc.org .