Dear Dr. Deb,
My friend is addicted to sex and doesn’t understand how this gets in the way of her finding a boyfriend. She wants a boyfriend yet always has sex and gets bored of them. How can I help if she doesn’t want to listen?
Thank you,
Helpful BFF
Dear Helpful BFF,
I appreciate your concern for your friend and your interest in helping her get what she says she wants, namely a boyfriend. However, her behavior suggests that she may prefer having sex with men rather than trying to build an emotionally connected relationship. Sex may provide her a temporary connection but one that is ultimately insufficient. Another possibility is that she just prefers sex to having a boyfriend but is uncomfortable admitting this for fear of being judged. It also may be possible that she has difficulty relating to and trusting men. Whatever the case may be, my recommendation is that you be a supportive friend and encourage her to talk about what she is feeling. Let her know that you care about her while not judging her behavior.
Dear Dr. Deb,
How can I have a successful, healthy relationship on campus?
Sincerely,
Relationship-Ready
Dear Relationship-Ready,
Developing and maintaining a healthy relationship is no easy task, especially on a college campus where the predominant peer expectation may be to have “no strings attached sex.” However, if you are truly looking for a healthy, committed, long-term relationship, then do not settle for anything less. Here are some hallmarks of a healthy relationship as defined by the Counseling Center at the University of Alabama (http://www.sa.ua.edu/counseling/healthyrelationships.htm):
•Mutual respect and civility
•A sense of reciprocity, or “give and take”
•Feeling supported and supporting the other
•A significant degree of trust and honesty
•Fairness and equality as adults
•Comfort with emotional intimacy or closeness
•Comfort with distance and “separateness”, or being able to have your own life apart from the other
•Open, direct communication without fear of reprisal, hidden agenda, or manipulation
•Good “boundaries”, or being able to set personal limits with self and others
Developing and maintaining a healthy relationship takes time and a commitment on the part of both partners. No relationship is perfect. Therefore, it is equally important to be aware of the signs of an unhealthy relationship as indicated by the Hall Health Primary Care Center at the University of Washington, Seattle (http://depts.washington.edu/hhpccweb/article-detail.php?ArticleID=376&ClinicID=13), which are to:
•Put one person before the other by neglecting yourself or your partner
•Feel pressure to change who you are for the other person
•Feel worried when you disagree with the other person
•Feel pressure to quit activities you usually/used to enjoy
•Pressure the other person into agreeing with you or changing to suit you better
•Notice one of you has to justify your actions (e.g. where you go, who you see)
•Notice one partner feels obligated to have sex or has been forced
•Have a lack of privacy, and may be forced to share everything with the other person
•You or your partner refuse to use safer sex methods
•Notice arguments are not settled fairly
•Experience yelling during an argument
•Attempt to control or manipulate each other
•Notice your partner attempts to controls how you dress and criticizes your behaviors
•Do not make time to spend with one another
•Have no common friends, or have a lack of respect for each others’ friends and family
•Notice an unequal control of resources (food, money, home, car, etc.)
•Experience a lack of fairness and equality
If you find that your relationship includes some of these characteristics, then take the time to work on improving these aspects in order to maintain a healthy relationship. A dangerous and abusive relationship can involve physical violence or coercion by your partner to do something sexually that you do not want you do. If you have concerns about the state of your relationship, contact the Student Counseling Center at 516-876-3353 for assistance.
Dr. Deb is an educational psychologist who received her doctorate from UCLA. She can be heard live on Awareness Avenue every Wednesday from 3 to 5pm on OWWR. She also can be seen on Awareness Avenue every Monday at 9 pm on Cablevision Channel 20. If you have any questions or issues for Dr. Deb, please send them to awarenessavenue@gmail.com.