Dear Dr. Deb,
I really like this guy who is my friend. Even though I think he has a girlfriend, I think at times he likes me too but I’m not sure. What should I do?
Thank you,
Perpetually Perplexed
Dear Perpetually Perplexed,
The guy that you like clearly is not being clear or fair to you. If he has a girlfriend but is giving you the impression that he likes you, then he is not being a good person let alone a good friend. Even if he does not have a girlfriend, he is not being honest with you about how he feels since he is not being consistent with how he treats you. Perhaps he is perplexed about his own feelings towards you, especially if he does have a girlfriend. However, the fact that you do not know whether he has a girlfriend and the fact that he has not made this clear suggests that your friendship is murky and less-than-honest to begin with. You have a few choices with how to proceed: 1) You can continue your friendship while torturing yourself with your unrequited feelings; 2) You can tell him that you are confused about your relationship and ask him whether he has a girlfriend; or 3) You can let go of this unfair friendship and let go of him. I recommend being brave and following the second choice but the choice is yours. I just hope that you do not continue with the first choice because you deserve better.
Dear Dr. Deb,
My roommate and I constantly fight. How do I tell her that I don’t want to be her roommate anymore?
Best,
Discontented Dormer
Dear Discontented Dormer,
It is important for your living space to be safe and comfortable. To create this space, however, takes time, energy and the commitment of both parties living together. If you and your roommate really have tried to work out your differences through communication, compassion and consideration of one another but nothing, not even mediation, has worked, then it may be time for a roommate change next semester. Besides, if you and your roommate have been fighting all of the time, then I cannot imagine that your roommate is going to want to live with you again either. I suggest that you gently tell your roommate that you care about her and, in order to salvage your friendship, you think it would be best if you both find a different living situation next semester.
Dear Dr. Deb,
I really messed up my first semester. I did not get a 2.0 grade-point average so I am commuting to campus. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Really Regretful
Dear Really Regretful,
Unfortunately your situation is not entirely uncommon amongst college students, particularly freshmen. According to U.S. News and World Report, alarmingly, one in every three first-year students does not make it to their sophomore year. Factors that may contribute to poor academic performance include dealing with illness, death, relationship problems, roommate conflict, homesickness, depression, lack of self-confidence, addiction, financial burden and academic struggles. However, one of the biggest contributing factors to poor academic performance seems to be a lack of time management. Sometimes students who have more time on their hands surprisingly have more problems with managing their time and subsequently with academic performance. An important component of time management is setting a schedule in which the first priority is going to class, being engaged in class, studying and keeping up and doing well on coursework. Secondary priorities can include being involved on campus and participating in student activities. Other priorities can include socializing and making time for friends.
With a competitive job market due to an economic downturn and high unemployment rates, college grades do matter. With a grade point average of below a 2.0, the challenge becomes emerging out of this academic hole to a brighter prospect. There is hope. Here are some steps to help you to a better academic path:
1) It is important to take responsibility for your academic performance and assess what went wrong.You need to be honest with yourself about the amount of time and focus that you put into each and every academic task. You also need to consider what factors got in your way of your academic performance.
2) You need to determine the impact that your current grade point average will have on your short-term (i.e., campus activities) and long-term goals (i.e., applying to law, graduate, medical school). Once you determine the impact, then you can focus on how to minimize the impact.
3) It is important to take advantage of on-campus resources and ask for help.Talking with an academic or departmental advisor about the impact of your grade point average on your goals can help you develop a plan to minimizing the impact. Also, by setting up meetings with your professors, this can help you understand the course material and assignments better and improve your class performance. There are also some important resources on campus such as the Writing Center, the Student Counseling Center and the Student Health Center.
4) Set up a realistic plan to improve your academic performance and individual grades.This is a crucial step that requires constant attention, reassessment and revision throughout each semester. To help you start this process, I recommend working with a professor, advisor and/or astute peer. It is difficult to develop new habits, or even to figure out how to develop new habits, without the help and support of others.
5) Continue to stay on top of your coursework and studies.If you plan to forge a path to a brighter academic future, then you will need to continue to put in the hard work and effort to do so. This requires reassessing and readjusting your plan along with holding yourself accountable for your academic performance.
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Dr. Deb is an educational psychologist who received her doctorate from UCLA. She can be heard live on Awareness Avenue every Tuesday from 1 to 3 pm on OWWR. She also can be seen on Awareness Avenue every Thursday at 7 pm on Cablevision Channel 115. If you have any questions or issues for Dr. Deb, please send them to awarenessavenue@gmail.com.